A Collective Temper Tantrum of Epic Proportions...

Wow. All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not a Blackhawks fan today. That had to be painful to watch from the other side. Not only did the Wings absolutely dominate, but the Hawks embarrassed themselves and their fans by throwing hissy fits all over the ice. Whereas upon finding themselves down three goals in the second period in Game 2, the Wings rallied and pushed the Hawks to overtime, the Blackhawks simply rolled over and threw a childish little temper tantrum. I guess the Wings just wrote the book on how to beat the Hawks. While Anaheim's roughing and assorted goonery made me angry, (I can't even tell you how much time I spent yelling at the TV during round 2), watching the Hawks try it just...made me laugh. They looked utterly pathetic. It would've been sad if it wasn't so amusing.

Seriously though, sunshines, this wasn't a pretty win. This was the inevitable triumph of composure and class over childish antics. Chalk one up for the good guys. Every once in a while, the world seems alright.

Pre-game, I was a wreck. I assumed Datsyuk would be out again despite the glimmer of hope Babs offered in his presser yesterday, but when one of my co-workers informed me that Lidstrom was out, I just about threw up. At first I thought she was joking, but then I saw Chelios skating by on TV and my worst fears were realized.

True to Brian Campbell's word, the Hawks decided to run around and try to goon it up. They played right into Mike Babcock's hands. He pretty much dared them to try it during his presser yesterday. It turns out that they're spectacularly bad at this. At least when the Ducks acted like goons, they managed to avoid taking penalties. Although to be fair, you have to believe the refs were looking out for that what with Wings' series MVP Campbell announcing it beforehand. It makes me spectacularly sad to think that this moron is making ten times more money than I will in my entire life just to screw his own team over.

Also, Campbell was on the ice for four goals against. A+, Carrot Top.

Perhaps my favorite part was when Versteeg decided to take consecutive stupid penalties, further harming his team's cause. I'm pretty sure Quenville put him in a time-out when he finally got back to the bench.

Apologies for sounding disjointed, but I honestly don't even know what to make of this. I don't recall ever witnessing a meltdown of this magnitude. At one point, the refs probably wondered if they'd been sent to some strange referee hell where they were doomed to break up brawling high schoolers for all eternity. I've been making fun of the Hawks' youth by calling them teenagers, but tonight they were acting more like babies. It looked like the Wings were babysitting a bunch of toddlers in the throes of their Terrible Twos. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure at one point I saw Kris Versteeg laying at center ice pounding and kicking the ice. Chelios had to stifle a reflex to yell at him to gett off of his lawn.

Part of the blame has to go to Joel Quenville and his little tantrum at the start of the second. At the time, I didn't know what he was yelling about because I didn't realize any penalties had been called. Looking back, I can see why I missed the call because I'm pretty sure there wasn't anything worth calling, but it's OK, because it gave me another favorite presser moment. In his post-game, Quenville referred to it as the "worst call in the history of sports." Way to step right into the high-school melodrama there, Joel. The worst call ever? Seriously? You're going to say that after Kronner's excessive penalization in Game 3? And after The Goal That Wasn't in the last round? Or the hundreds of disgusting calls and non-calls that have been plaguing the entire playoffs, league-wide? Get over yourself. You made an fool of yourself today, and trying to brush it aside like you were making some kind of righteous argument only makes you look worse.

Aside from that, I really want to know what Ben Eager said to the ref when he got his first misconduct. I'm not kidding. I feel like that would be a useful turn of phrase to have in my arsenal.

________

On the Wings' side, I was delighted to see the big guns step up in the absence of Datsyuk and Lidstrom. If somebody could just find a way to convince Marian Hossa that every game is Game 4, a lot of my stress would be relieved. I suggest renaming them Game 4.1, Game 4.2, and so on. Game 4.5 is coming up on Wednesday, so look out. (Unfortunately, I won't be able to watch it, unless I can convince my friend to spend three hours of Cedar Point time holed up in a bar watching TV.)

Speaking of big guns, it was nice to see Z score a couple of goals with the goalie still in the net. So much for his empty-net record attempt.

I also have to give an honorary star of the game to Ken Holland. The Wings' ability to replace Nick Lidstrom and Pavel Datsyuk, two of the best players in the world, and roll on without a hitch tonight is due in large part to his overall brilliance. The rookies didn't contribute a whole lot offensively tonight, but they put in some solid minutes and were a lot less self-destructive than highly-paid veteran Brian Campbell. (The more I start to dislike someone, the more frequently they find their way into my discussions.) When a lot of other teams throw their rookies out, it's to eat up junk minutes and you spend their entire shift white-knuckling whatever is within reach. Not so with the Wings' rookies who've stepped in. They've been turning in solid performance after solid performance and are defensively responsible enough that I don't find myself holding my breath whenever they're on the ice.

I was fairly concerned when Ozzie didn't play the third period, but Babs has (for now) put my nerves at ease by explaining it away as dehydration. (Question: How does a goalie, who stands around next to two water bottles for the whole game, manage to get dehydrated? Especially when his team spends most of the period playing target practice with the back of the Hawks' net.) We'll see how that pans out, but I guess it was good to see Conks get some playoff action in which he didn't surrender a crucial, back-breaking goal.

The one big downside: ANOTHER friggin powerplay goal surrendered. Seriously guys? This is starting to get frustrating. I also feel like they might be attempting to set a record for most delay of game penalites in a single playoff run. Oh well, Hossa shut the crowd up pretty quickly after that and things were all downhill for Chicago from then on.

And PS: I noticed there weren't a whole lot of "Detroit sucks" chants going on tonight. Wonder why?

Mike Babcock: King of Press Conferences...

I wasn't planning on posting anything today what with being exhausted from work and all, but then I watched this video of Mike Babcock's off-day presser. This man cracks me up. I want to sit down and knock back a few beers with him. And I don't even like beer. Also, I want to know what was in this super-secret memo that he mentioned.

In it he:
-Sarcastically points out the Reebok logo on his shirt since he apparently is required to wear them.
-Practically calls Joel Quenville a liar. (It was at this point that I stopped everything else I was doing and became riveted to the computer screen.)
-Succumbs to his inner coaching instincts and demonstrates Havlat's position before the hit more than once.
-Makes me laugh on multiple occasions.
-Pretty much dares the Blackhawks to try to take revenge.
-Makes a nice little mini-speech about how it's supposed to be hard to win the Cup. Otherwise it'd be devoid of meaning.
-Sarcastically calls the Wings a 'goon squad.'
-Dangles some hope that Datsyuk might be in the lineup tomorrow. (Get it? Dangle? Oh lord, I amuse myself.)
-Gives a reporter a spectacular "you're a moron" look when she asks about contacting the league to have Kronner's game misconduct rescinded.

My abridged version of the presser. It loses a bit of flair without Mike's awesome Canadian accent, but you can imagine that if you want:
Babs: "Please take a picture of me in this stupid shirt they make me wear. It looks suspiciously like the Penguins' horrendous third jersey."
Reporter: "What's your take on Redheaded-Stepchild McTurnover's threats to Kronwall?"
Babs: "He's a moron."
Reporter: "What about Drapes and Datsyuk?"
Babs: "I'm going to announce that Dangle Dangle might be in the lineup so that I can raise your hopes and then most likely send them crashing down tomorrow."
Reporter: "In a general, non-specific way, what are your thoughts on dirty, no-good, rotten headshots?"
Babs: *rolls eyes* "CoughKeepYourHeadUpMoronCough. Ahem. Little bit of congestion there. Must be allergy season in these godforsaken United States."
Reporter: "You didn't answer the question controversially enough."
Babs: "OK. How about this? Joel Quenville's a lying liar who lies. I, on the other hand, only speak the truth."
Reporter: "I'd like to waste your time asking you the same question for the third time."
Babs: "You're an idiot."
Reporters: *laugh at said idiot*
Reporter: *not deterred* "How was this any different than Brown's hit on Hudler last round?"
Babs: "Excuse me while I step away from the mic to "demonstrate something" so that I can cuss under my breath without anyone hearing." *demonstrates Havlat whiffing on the puck* "God these American reporters and their stupid repetitive questions. I could just punch George Washington right now."
Reporter: "Have you contacted the league about having the game misconduct rescinded?"
Babs: "Sorry, sunshine, no takey-backies. What in God's name is wrong with you? How would that make things any better? PS. The refs suck."
Reporter: "Can you pansy European softies handle it if the Hawks come after you tomorrow?"
Babs: "Bring it on, boys! We'll kill you with our power play."
Reporter: "Wow, that's a bold statement."
Babs: "Well, you know how dirty we are as a team. Did you see how much abuse we gave to poor, sweet Chris Pronger and Scott Niedermeyer during the last round? God, we're such a bunch of goons that I just don't know how any of us are able to sleep at night."
Reporter: "How do you feel about losing this game in which you were gypped out of a top-four D-man in the early stages?"
Babs: "Could someone cue the dramatic, inspirational background music? Thanks. The Stanley Cup is the greatest prize in the history of the world. Winning it takes sacrifice, dedication, and hard work. And you know what? It's supposed to be hard. You should have to battle for it. If it was easy, Sidney Crosby could've done it last year. But it's the blood and sweat and tears that you shed in pursuit of it that make it that much sweeter at the end. K, enough with the music. Next question."
Reporter: "You mentioned a memo earlier?"
Babs: "Uhhh, it's possible that I just made that up in my head. Or, it's super top-secret classified material and Gary Bettman's little security squad is going to hunt me down and make me watch that stupid commercial about the Pens fan who has his TV in a penalty box for 48 hours straight."

Playoff Night Terrors...

Today Sportscenter ran a segment on Brian Campbell errors that had cost his team playoff games. It amused me, mostly because he's not a Red Wing. Seriously though, how many devastating errors does this guy have to make before coaches decide to never play him in OT or critical late-game situations? I mean, I'm not complaining or anything. His little gift-wrapped turnover led to a highlight reel goal ending OT during my first playoff game. If I ever met the man, I'd probably hug him. Thanks for the memories.

I didn't know it at the time, but apparently Nick Lidstrom is now leads the Wings all-time in playoff assists. The only downside to this is that it involved him surpassing my idol, Steve Yzerman. Still, good for him, and he played extremely well last night.

It wasn't until I watched my DVR recording of the game today that I realized just how well Ozzie played. I knew he made a bunch of key stops, but I was sitting close to the rafters and I need new glasses, so I didn't realize how strong some of them were. But for him, I don't think I would have enjoyed my first playoff experience nearly as much. I feel like every stop he makes is another slap to the faces of his critics. I feel like I use that expression too much. I should find a new one.

The other thing that stands out is how badly the Wings played for most of the game. It kills me to say this, but I'm not entirely sure they deserved to win the game. Their failure to play at the best of their ability scares me for two reasons. The first is the one that keeps me awake at all hours of the night and causes me to wake up with cold sweats when I do fall asleep. I keep asking myself and the Hockey Gods how long their luck can hold out. They've gotten by on secondary scoring and Johan Franzen so far, but it just feels like they're tempting fate. I'm sure this is a problem a lot of hockey teams/fans would love to have, but it terrifies me nonetheless. The other scary aspect of it is that I can only imagine that when/if they do actually decide to show up in full force for a game start to finish, it'll be a sight to see. We'll probably all go blind from daring to gaze upon their greatness, like what happens when you look at a solar eclipse.

In other news, I'll be spending today and tomorrow attempting to fix whatever's ailing Pavel Datsyuk, be it mental, physical, or divine. Somehow, some way, I'm going to will this man onto the scoreboard. And I can't help but believe that once he "breaks the seal," there's going to be a flood of epic proportions. I would not want to be the guy who draws him as a defensive assignment when he finally gets his issues back on track. It's a good way to make a fool of yourself.

Also, what is Drew Sharp doing writing this article? Is he trying to invoke the wrath of the Hockey Gods?