Monday, January 4, 2010

New Rules for 2010...

Inspired by Mitch Albom’s column on Sunday (Yeah, I know, I know.), I decided to write some of my own rules for 2010 (pronounced twenty-ten, sunshines). Since we live in Little Gary’s universe, and I have absolutely zero power, none of these things will ever happen. A girl can dream though. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments.

For the Red Wings:
  • Chris Osgood has to age at least a little. He looks like he could be my kid brother. I’m only 23.
  • Mike Babcock has to wear fedoras to every game. This is crucial.
  • Ozzie’s calendar is only allowed to include the months of April, May, and June. They’ll just cycle through four times a year each.
  • Nobody else in a Wings uniform is allowed to get hurt. Ever.
  • The Wings have to release a new line of stylish tin foil hats for fans with fashion sense.
  • Wings games are now state-wide holidays. No class or work can be scheduled during them.
  • Darren Helm has to learn how to finish his chances.
  • Pavel Datsyuk has to make an exercise video based off of his pre-game stretching routine. Move over, Richard Simmons.
  • The 19th day of each month should also be a holiday on which everyone is required to wear Wings apparel.
  • The Wings get a restraining order against Brad Watson and Dennis LaRue so we never have to see them again.
  • Mickey Redmond must be unleashed on the telestrator at least once per period during each and every broadcast.
  • Sorry, MacLean, the ‘stache has to go.
  • Larry Murphy’s makeup artist is fired. Now.
  • The Zetterberg fangirls have lost their privilege to vote for the player of the game.
  • “Kronwalled” is hereby added to the dictionary.
  • No more shutout losses. I won’t allow it.
  • The Wings’ powerplay needs to figure out a way to score on a regular basis.
  • Ville Leino has to race Darren Helm so that I can point and laugh.
For the NHL:
  • All NHL broadcasts must include the word “fabulosity” at least once.
  • Mike Milbury and Pierre McGuire are banned. There’s really no need for anyone to ever hear them speak again.
  • Gary Bettman must be constantly followed by an entourage of fans who walk behind him and boo him. Everywhere he goes, they follow.
  • Nobody gets to use the word “fronting” any more. It’s to be permanently deleted from everyone’s vocabulary.
  • Ditto for “time and space.”
  • Whining is now a 5 minute major. Boo hoo, he touched you with his stick. You’re a grown man who’s making more money to play a game than I’ll ever make in my life. Man up. This also applies to my little sister.
  • No more ads with Sidney Crosby. Seriously. We don’t want to see his face.
  • Dennis LaRue and Brad Watson will both win the lottery only to find out that the lotto agency “intended to blow” the whistle before their numbers were drawn. They don’t get a penny.
  • Versus must learn to show appropriate replays. You know, things like penalties that might be important to the game.
  • All sports bars are required to carry Versus. No excuses.
  • NBC has to stop pretending that nobody has ever seen a hockey game before when it broadcasts games. Believe it or not, not all of us need to have the concept of a powerplay explained to us.
  • Third jerseys are no longer permitted.
  • Ditto for pink ones. These are a travesty.
  • Nobody talks about Crosby’s dryer or the Lucky Loony ever again. Enough is enough.
  • The league has to market at least one team in the West not located in Chicago. I’m sick of seeing all the hype directed at the Eastern Conference when statistics clearly show that the West is superior.
For everyone else:
  • It's pronounced twenty-ten. Get with the program.
  • All slow walkers (who are not elderly…we’ll give them a pass) will be banished to Siberia.
  • Lolspeak must die a miserable, painful death. You look like a moron when you write like that. And I judge you.
  • Anyone who leaves shopping carts in the middle of parking lots without returning them to the cart corral will have their driver's license revoked.
  • Nobody over the age of 13 is allowed to have a fauxhawk. I’m looking at you, Bertuzzi.
  • Stores are no longer allowed to claim something is on clearance if it’s only 30% off. 30% is not a clearance. It’s just a good sale. At half off, we’ll talk.
  • If you don’t feel like driving the speed limit, you’re banned from the freeway. Take the side streets. I have places to be, and I’d like to get there in a timely manner.
  • Twelve-year-olds don’t need fancy phones and unlimited text message plans.
  • Using a kid leash is now considered child abuse.
  • Waking up before 8 AM is prohibited.
  • The minimum tip for adequate service is 15%. And that’s pretty stingy. 20% should be your baseline. Servers have bills to pay, and rely on tips for their living. Complementing them is nice, but before leaving a bad tip, stop and consider whether kind words from a stranger would help you make your car payment.
  • All Crocs and Ugs must be burned.
  • Ditto for anything Twilight related. In fact, the word “twilight” is also banned, except for when referring to dusk.
(UPDATE 9:55 PM 1/4/09) Two important ones that I forgot:
  • Lady Gaga=gone. ASAP.
  • If you walk down the middle of a parking lot aisle and block traffic, you can legally be run over by the cars trying to get through. You're fair game at that point.


  1. Hey now, I am already working on the custom DRW fashionable tin foil hats.

    Great post.

  2. This was 3 minutes of laughing and nodding in agreement. Absolutely totally awesome stuff. I also find it kinda cool that we both mentioned Pasha's strecthing today.

    Also: Laying in bed with the laptop on the floor and the screen it's connected to (cause the screen on the laptop is broken) on a table makes writing hard. Luckily I'm gonna buy a new one this week.

  3. I love this - I think I'm going to frame it!

    Only one thing to add - Versus and DirecTV must be forced to agree on a contract. If I miss playoff games, someone's going to get hurt!

  4. I heart this post so much. Especially the slow walkers/drivers part.

  5. All people who, in a public place (such as a subway station, say), march straight to the escalator, step on, and then COME TO A DEAD FREAKING STOP WITH ONE HAND ON EACH RAILING SO NO ONE CAN GET PAST YOU, BUTTHEAD, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I KNEW EXACTLY WHERE TO STAND ON THE PLATFORM BECAUSE I TOOK THE TRAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY, AND NOW YOU MADE ME MISS IT, IDIOT, should be taken out and SHOT.

    Why yes, I did have encounters with just such people ... however did you guess? :)

  6. @jennbikegirl I totally forgot about that one. That's the one thing that's good about having Comcast. I don't have to worry about that.

    @Baroque I'm with you on the blocking escalators thing. Also, the moving walkways at the airport. Just because you want to lazily meander your way to nowhere doesn't mean that I don't want to get where I'm going. Basic manners, people. Sheesh.

  7. On the people who need to be shot list, please include the people who emerge from a revolving door only to come to a screeching halt, causing you to cycle around the door one more time like a complete asshole.

    See also: people who stop at the bottom of escalators, then turn around and get snippy when you crash into them.

  8. Can Wings' games be more like a religious holiday, for those of us not in Michigan?

  9. Agree with anonymous.

    Also: Your additions were perfect. This is still a nominee for post of 2010 in my book :P

  10. Oooh, I totally volunteer for this one:

    "Gary Bettman must be constantly followed by an entourage of fans who walk behind him and boo."

    Please choose me. I know it's hard to believe, but I can be really good at heckling.

  11. @Natalie Yeah, I have all kinds of trouble believing you'd be a good heckler.. :P